Ask a Pinniped 9/7/2008

Hey kids! Welcome to the first edition of Ask a Pinniped! We have a very important series of questions regarding shower beer protocol, so let's hop right into it.

From Jean in Rochester, MN:

You mention that only one beer may be consumed per shower. If I happen to take two showers in a row, would that permit two beers, one beer per shower?

I suppose that would be acceptable, as these are two distinct showers. However, too much shower beer may cheapen the rite, much like speaking English during a Catholic mass.

Also, what would constitute the official "end" of a shower. Does it suggest that I merely step out of the shower? Could this stepping out of the shower thus terminate the initial shower even if I were simply stepping out of the shower to go and find another beer?

The shower ends when the water is shut off and the participant has dried themselves.

Must the water be turned off to confirm that the shower has ended? Must I wash my hair, and/or genitals each time to confirm that a shower has been taken? May I just sit in the dry tub with my clothes on and consume a beer, such as would be the typical behavior at a freshman college party?

See above. While there is no stipulation on how well one must clean themselves, it should be noted that the 2nd commandment states that cleaning products may taint the experience should said cleaning products invade the beer vessel. And no, you may not sit in a tub with your clothes on. Water and nudity are integral.

May one jump in the "Wop" to consume a shower beer?

Provided one is nude and not consuming the Wop but rather a beer, I suppose this would be acceptable, though the possibility of beer contamination would be quite high.

Are there a maximum number of people who can be in the shower at one time, and are there any "drinking games" with the multi-party shower that would be appropriate, such as "drop the soap," or "face wash wars"?

Jesus Christ, woman. If there is room and a beer for everyone, then you can cram in the entire Italian special Olympic team if you wanted to. As far as games go, it is the opinion of this pinniped that they would cheapen the experience of the holy shower beer and possibly lead to sexual intercourse, which is an abomination as stated in commandment #8.

For years I've been in the business of giving advice to pups and cows alike. Many will swim up to me in Valdez and say, Gosh Clubby, I know that I shouldn't have done X, but I just can't control myself. What can I do? After slapping them, I sit down with them on a rock outcropping and give them some honest, down home advice on subjects ranging from mating problems to shark encounters, advice about fisherman, priapism, and domestic abuse. I'm and ornithologist by trade -there's no M.D. after my name- but I understand a thing or two about life. Here's our first letter from a single man in Chicago:

Dear Clubby,
I'm not going to mince words- I am fucking fat. I'm so damn fat that I literally can't go to the movies unless I'm sure the theater I'm going to has those stadium seats with the arm rests that you can push up for snuggling with your girlfriend. The problem is that I have to push them up because I take up two full seats. I have no significant other. I've tried every fad diet, carb counting, even exercise. Nothing works. Also, the few friends I have say I shouldn't wear my horizontally striped shirts anymore. I really love the orange and white polo ones I have, but they tell me that I look like a pregnant dreamsicle. This hurts.

Please help,
Wide in the Windy City


Dear Wide,

The best diet I can advise is this: Stop cramming so much food into your pie hole. I know it sounds mean, and I recognize that obesity is a problem that can be tied to all sorts of causal factors, but really, how many calories to you take in over the course of a day? Shit, I'd like nothing more than to pound down a couple hundred pounds of krill, but if I did that I'd never be able to get off my rock, much less evade an orca. And I know that exercise is hard, but you have to try. Look at my friend Bernie:

He's lived a rough life- lost an eye to a squid, has to wear that yellow low jack after he got his 7th DUI- and here he is in fighting trim doing leg lifts on the beach. Try it out, buddy. You're life depends on it.

PS: Your friends are right about the shirts. Wear solid colors, especially black.

That's all for now, friends. Keep those letters coming and I'll see you in two weeks. Keep swimming into the sunset!

Clubby's Commandments

Meet Clubby, Showerbeer Blog spokesman and author of the official rules for partaking in shower beer activities. Clubby is an upstanding member of the Alaskan seal community and noted ornithologist, his political commentary has appeared on The Huffington Post. In 2006, Clubby achieved notoriety in some conservative communities for his public flame war with noted blogger Andrew Sullivan.

Clubby's Shower Beer Commandments is the industry standard of rules concerning the practice of shower beer. Take heed.

One partaking in a shower beer shall:

1. Consume only beer contained within an aluminum can. Bottled beer is permissible only in cases where logistical issues prevent use of canned beer. Under no circumstances should an open glass or other such container be used.
2. Avoid contamination of the shower beer by hair, skin and cleaning products.
   
3. Know that Canadian beer of the Labatt brand is the preferred choice. Others brands have been studied and shown to be inferior based on a triple blind study.
   
4. Consume only one beer per showering period. Shower beer predates the Dorian invasion and is steeped in ritual and tradition. It is a purifying act, not a route towards severe intoxication.
   
5. Provide enough shower beers for all participants.
6. If intoxicated due to previous beverages, the rite of shower beer may need to be performed quickly. It is advisable that a proper container for bodily fluids be at hand.
7. Follow the proper recycling procedures for your municipality upon completion of the shower beer.
8. Not engage in sexual intercourse during the rite. This is an abomination.
9. Not shotgun their shower beer. This is also an abomination.
   
10. Maintain proper grooming and hygiene prior to and after shower beer. Excessive grime can and will spoil the experience.
11. Provide one's own caddy or shelf for temporary storage of said shower beer. Also, can cozies and beer hats are acceptable accessories.
12. Assist those with physical or mental handicaps in the operation of their shower beer.
13. Not Bogart another's shower beer.
14. Listen to music during the rite. Suggested artists are: Warren Zevon, Bob Seger and Lily Allen.
15. Always partake in shower beers during the Sabbath.
16. Apply all of the above rules should a shower not be present. Use of bathtubs and carwashes is acceptable.

(NOTE: The 16th commandment was added per the second Peloponnesus Symposium, some local prefectures do not recognize the PS2 edict.)

It is strongly advised that all current and future shower beer participants memorize Clubby's Commandments. If you are confused or have questions regarding protocol, do not hesitate to ask. Clubby is always willing to take questions regarding these rules of order.

Friends of the Showerbeer Blog can look forward to Clubby the Seal's Q&A/advice column forthcoming on this blog.
~~~

Tonight I am headed to Transmission, a very popular local dance night held at the intimate and cozy Club Jäger in the Warehouse District of Minneapolis. This bar has Pilsner Urquell on tap, so any review I post will be skewed by my love of that particular brew and, of course, my BAC. Unlike my last foray out, I will have my trusty Canon along to document the adventure. Expect a full report later tonight/earlier tomorrow, BAC willing.

Also coming soon: The inaugural patty melt review, My gushing screed-cum-adoring fan letter about The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao, and Bartender Todd's impromptu Allman Brothers sing along with Gov. Bob R. Riley of Alabama.